Wow For This Week!
I’ve really neglected my blog. Sorry, I’ve been busy….
Dealing with Ben.
Growing up.
SHA stuff.
Basketball.
Improving my singing skills.
Meeting new people.
Hanging out with Jaclyn….
and Courtney and Karl.
Yeah, crazy, right?
I’ll give you the short version.
Courtney like Jackie, Jackie kinda likin Courtney, Jackie like Karl, Courtney no like Jackie, Courtney like me.
See, now that needs some kind of explination, doesn’t it?
Okay!
Courtney and I ended up finally chillin this summer, but I had brought Jaclyn along. That was the day the madness began. Courtney imediately felt attraction to her, and I thought that was great! It was…. :)
Well, Courtney wanted to hang out with me (and Jaclyn, more likely) the day after. It was fun, we had a great photo shoot and it was tons of fun. He’s a good model, haha…really! The next time we hung out, he brought along his best friend Karl. Karl’s really cool and has a great sense of humor. They make an adorable pair.
Courtney’s so much like me, freaky, funny, bold, and talkative. Karl is a bit more like Jackie, a bit more reserved than Courtney, still ridiculously funny, and just fun. Courtney looks like a mixture of Pharrell, Kanye West, and Jay Z. Karl just simply looks like Topac. So we hang out a couple of more times, took more pictures, and just had an amazing time altogether.
The last time, however, we did have a good time, but something happened between Courtney and Jaclyn that became a mutual turn-off. They no longer have feelings for each other. Before I get to the part that kind of rocked my world, I’ll explain a couple of things about Courtney.
He’s pretty much everything I want in a guy….able to talk to me in a very real and personal way, able to understand me in an artistic way, experienced, kinky, fun, passionate, determined, has an incredible smile and an amazing smile, gets along well with my brother and my dad….
His main flaws are that he abandons conversations like shit.
That brings me to where I am now.
While Courtney and I were discussing the events of the day that the feelings between him and Jackie ended, he told me that he had liked me before. I didn’t realize he’d said it until hours after.
Now, remember how I’d been trying to hard to not like him, and suceeded, whether it was real or not? And remember how everyone thought I liked him? Remember that crazy, annoying time? Well, that was all because I thought I couldn’t get him, that he wouldn’t like me. It bothered me that we could have been together that whole time…that he did like me! But I’m over it, things happen for reasons.
Anyway, we talked and he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me so it doesn’t “ruin the friendship”. That doesn’t change that he barely spoke to me for months, weeks? So, what is our friendship? But I kind of understand that…even though part of me can’t help but think that it’s just an excuse for something. I mean, he wants to be friends with benefits….like that wouldn’t change the friendship at all? I couldn’t do that with him because he means to much to me, it’d be too personal. You do that with guys you don’t care about so much.
So, now that I know that he liked me, I like him. Plain and simple. He said he liked me now, but as the previous paragraph stated, he doesn’t want to “ruin the friendship”. But now, I think I like him too much to take that as an answer. I don’t know. I could just get over it, but everyone says I should talk to him about it. Plus, he’s the only one that doesn’t know how lonely I am…..but I don’t want to be rescued.
He did something tonight that meant so much to me, I cried a bit (I swear, it was only PARTLY PMS-side effects.). What did he do?
He told me about his day, what was new in his life. He included me in his plans….and most of all…he said goodbye before he left. He asked me for my last words…..
Wow. I love writing this blog. I realized something just now…how it fits together. Forget about the PMS thing. I’m not that stupid. I know why I cried.
I really like Courtney,I don’t LOVE him (at least I hope not/don’t think so). But as a person, as a friend, I do. And both of those feelings put him in a very important place in my heart. Well, my “issues” have to do with death, and not getting to say goodbye…or any last words at all. That’s probably why it bugged me that I could never do that with him, especially since he wouldn’t even answer questions, like when your on the phone and you keep talking but they hung up 5 minutes ago.
And part of me still tries to take advantage of time with everyone before I don’t have them, and time with him is very precious. But he gave me a gift, to say goodbye….. the courtesy to leave me, not abandon me.
So that’s where it is now. That’s where we stand. I think eventually, I will talk to him about “us”. I can’t wait too long or eventually there will be no point. Thanks for reading!
I love you dearly
Gabrielle
