Scratch My Head and Close My Eyes
Is what I find myself doing quite often.
Tonight’s been a long night, and it’s not even midnight.
FS had a blackout, but Eric’s part of town is still out. He’s locked out of his house, no contact with his parents who are out east, and is bleeding from a cut on his arm. He’s with his neighbors, Thank God. I was about to make my parents go get him, but he’s a little fighter. He needs to start realizing that. I can’t rescue him all the time.
I’m starting to see how human I am. When I say that, I’m talking about the human need for others of their own kind. People need people to survive. It’s becoming more evidential that I need people in my life. Not just people, but certain kinds of people.
Here’s a list of kinds people in my life that I need (need, have, had, want, love, etc).
- Someone that I can turn to for anything. Always there. Always cares. Always tries to understand. Always says the right thing, even if I didn’t know it was right. Definitely a need.
- Someone to motivate me, who’s better at me, but is still close to me.
- Someone to love, or at least to pretend to love. To hold, to watch, to listen to, to care for, to confide in, to have secrets with, even just a minor kiss.
- Someone to learn from, and there for love. To learn from their mistakes and their success. To try to support no matter what.
- Someone to understand my music. To understand the intimate details between an artist and his/her creation. Between the singer and the song. The lyrics and the melody.
I can feel a big breakdown coming. I’m running myself so hard against the pavement that soon there will be nothing left, and the Earth will have to take my remains to create another flower, to repeat the beautiful cycle that is Gabrielle again.
What the hell does that mean?
It means that I’m working so hard right now, that I can tell I’m going to have an anxiety-attack-sort of thing sooner or later, but that once again I’ll get over it and come out of it, start working hard and growing and maturing until the next little breakdown happens.
What I’m about to say can be interpreted in a way I don’t want it to be, so read it the way it’s written and try to understand it seriously.
I’m starting to feel a closeness for the people I go to camp with. Think about it this way.
We laugh together, sweat together, hurt together, push each other forward, and share with each other. Aside from water and gatorade, the most important thing that we share is the love for basketball. We show up in the hottest days of the summer, working our asses off. It gets hard and people bump heads, but we go through so much together and it’s such a friendly environment. When we are weak, we feed off of each other. I’d say we make a great team, but most of us there actually don’t play on the same team, at least not usually.
It means a lot to me to have a place like that. Not that I feel safe there, or I feel happy or myself there, in fact it’s kind of the opposite. But it’s a special place that gives me something I can’t really get anywhere else. All through my life, I’ll always remember lheia, Max, Woodlyn, Andre, Nat, and the rest of the bunch.
I love you guys, so much…
I think of my other friends. The main ones that I also went through tons of shit with. And I miss them. I know things aren’t the same. I feel like it’s my fault, but I don’t know what else I could have done. I love them dearly, and I’m going to try harder to work this all out. I know I’ve been saying that, but I’m not just sitting in the house all day doing nothing all the time, though sometimes I wish I was.
Wow, now I feel cold inside again.
I need to be held.
Many times I want to be alone.
But then I complain about how I’m so lonely…
and I am. Did I ask for it?
Am I a contradictory bitch?
If I tell Max, is he going to make sense of this?
My parents are yelling at me to go to bed.
So I will, but I won’t sleep, and I won’t try.
I’m simply going to lay there and cry.
i love you
gabrielle
