My Papercut Chronicles

me!

Hey :) Um....here's a LITTLE bit about me! Believe me, you must be really special if you're reading this. You must be amazing if you understand it. If you talk to me about it, you're just spiffy. My name is Gabrielle. I like that my name splits in two.

Gabby:
Hey, I'm Gabby! I'm really friendly and I love giving hugs! I go to Catholic school and I get pretty good grades. I have the best friends in the world, and I'm always open for more. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what makes sense in my life. I have two passions, one that carries more weight than the other. Basketball is one, I can't really bring myself to stop. That means something, right? And music. I wouldn't be here without it. I sing, and that's truely what I want to do. Maybe one day I'll do that. I'm working on it :) . I'm thankful to God for my life. It's been hard sometimes, but who's hasn't, right?


Brielle:
Hey, hoe. I'm Brielle. Don't fuck with my friends, and I won't fuck with you, okay? Umm..I play basketball because I love it, and it's good for my figure. I sing, because I have to. Music is what got me through the hardest of times: cutting, forcing myself to learn how to stop, and those lonely times when you know there's just no one that could understand.
I need Gabby. She nourishes me, and she lets me out when I need some air. She can write and sing whatever I need to be told. But she can't sing like I can, and you have to be extremely spiffy for me to let you here me sing. I have the sweetest ass in my class :) but I let Gabby take credit. I spoil that chick so much! I take the pain for her when the worst times come. In an ugly situation, I let her sleep, and I come out. I can be destructive, or I can be powerful. Gabby's sweet and I don't want her to get fucked up, so it's my turn to shine when she can't handle the pressure. When things get hard, but she can handle it, I'm the one that makes her suck it up.
She's the cute one. I'm the hot one. She's the photographer, I'm the model. She's the singer, I'm the lyrics and the voice within. I'll explain more later, but for now, that's all you need to know.

I love you, no matter who you are.
Gabrielle ♥♥




Beginning To Feel Worthless (A Whole Summer)

It seems like nobody is realizing that I’ve been trapped in my house for the past two weeks, now I’m better, and the summer is half over. Apparently, I’m supposed to be working to my goals of bettering myself and preparing for my future.

So what if I’m a fun-loving social 14 year old girl? Even though it’s summer, it’s totally more important for me to clean my room than go outside with good friends….

And you know I can’t help but hustle during the school year. I work fucking hard…

A whole summer, almost a whole school year…without anyone to hold. Without anyone to….never mind. I’m at the stage where I feel like right now, there really isn’t anyone out there for me. Before you go all Dr. Phill on me,

But it doesn’t help. It doesn’t take away from the….never mind.

I wish Mom could understand. She says she does, but talk is cheap.

I found out my vampirefreaks friend likes me today. I don’t even want to go through the whole story, but now he’s mad at me because he’s 19 and I don’t go out with anyone over the age of 18.

Not my fault. I have my reasons. I’ve seen enough in my short years to know what and what not to do. I can’t say yes to everything. I can’t make everyone happy.

The only guys that can like me are the two that I found….on the same website, that for whatever reason I can’t be with. In reality, I probably wouldn’t have spoken to them if I’d met them straight up in real life anyway. But that just makes it a bit more pitiful.

I don’t know if I feel better or worse when nearly every senior citizen tells me how beautiful I am in church. I don’t know what that has to do with anything….but somehow, it’s comforting to know that I’m noticed. That I’m not invisible, at least not completely.

Max can’t understand why I feel I “need a boyfriend”, and I give up trying to explain. I don’t “need a boyfriend”. I don’t know what I need. But it hurts being this lonely. I’ve worked so hard, and my mom has to pick this time of my life to start encouraging me to work even harder.

I think I might actually start working out. Just out of boredom, and it gives me something to focus on. Maybe the burn I’ll feel in my stomach when I’m doing sit-ups can feel like….never mind.

Wow, not only do I feel too embarrassed to admit my feelings to anyone outside of my head, but I’m starting to not want to admit anything to myself. I want to do something I haven’t really done in a blog entry yet….which is to discuss Brielle and Gabby.

Honestly, I don’t know which one writes this blog. I’m glad I separated myself, though. It’s given me a sense of…. something. I remember when I first decided to separate myself. It was when I started cutting, or maybe as I began to stop. I felt like since it wasn’t something I wanted to do, but something inside of me that needed to, that something was going to grow into something else. I knew I was going to get passed it, and when I did, I didn’t want to forget it. Brielle came along and she was the anti-relapse. What I realize is that both parts of my soul, my personality, are just as lonely as each other. It’s the lonliness that has brought them/me/us together, and now I can barely tell the difference. I think I need to clear my head before I know anything for sure.

I need to take a walk, or read a book, or hang out with my friends.

That makes me think, what if it’s not the lonliness? What if it’s my lack of being around my friends? My new lack of being a kid, being young and restless and joyful and excited? Maybe that’s what Brielle is. A chemical reaction to my changing environment, while Gabby is the steady, hard-working one.

Suck on that, Courtney. Give me a theory on it, I’d love to hear you tell me how I’m not a bipolar freak.

I need to stop with the comfort food. I’ll never get a modeling job at this rate. Even my in new pictures (the ones I deleted, of course), I look thicker at the waist. What can I say? When you feel empty, what else can fill you up? Alcohol. But I won’t/can’t do that.

If you can tell me how to stop with the comfort food, please do. I don’t want to start another crying-spree. The acid or whatever from the tears made my skin all bumpy, and since I stopped crying (accept for occasional slips), my skin has been a little better.

I didn’t think I’d be going to the pool this summer, but I’m going to have to make sure I do once. I like the feeling of being completely surrounded, with almost no movement restriction. I feel untouchable and free. Plus, it’s easier to cry under water.

Before I go, let me tell you one thing.

If you don’t agree with what I say, I don’t want to fucking hear about it unless you can open your mind and your heart. If you can’t understand what I wrote here, you don’t understand me. I don’t know if this just being a little weirded by Max and his assumption, or if I’m just bitching out. I don’t think I realize how complicated my blog my be…so I’m sorry.

I’m gonna find something to do….or at least try. text me.

i evol you

gabrielle

July 20, 2009
Notes

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