A Little More Steady, A Little Less Lovely
So a couple of good things have been going on, and as usual, a couple of not as good things have been going on. Let’s start with the good!
I’m a little more comfortable with my voice and my singing. I’m less doubtful, and I think it’s because I had a major breakthrough today! I’m always saying how I’m much better than I might seem at first, because I sing better alone. But today? I went all the way in front of my mom! It felt so fahreakin liberating!
Not only did it feel good, but I for once felt like I was good, or at least not bad. I feel more options and more freedom coming my way. This is sort of where the blog turns from happy and peachy to….more interesting?
What breaks my heart is that I think it has to do with MJ’s death. Since Thursday, his voice has been the most heard thing from my ears. I think I became more comfortable being myself, exposing myself (not my body, calm yourself) before any audience. I think he taught me so much the past few days. In hearing him, I began to hear myself. In listening to what he was saying, I’m learning about myself. All this makes it harder to accept that he’s gone, but I have to.
I’m just a fan, right? It’s not normal for me to be so close to tears (or burst into tears) when something tributing to him or about him or something comes up, is it?
It probably shouldn’t be, but I don’t think I’m the only one.
I bet you’re sick of reading about this stuff in my blog, but he’s been such an influence (to say the LEAST), or maybe more like force, in me and my music. I’ll spare you and not go into that right now, but he has. I feel like I’m growing up a bit, because each time my voice matures, I mature.
I realized in the past few days that I should really try to become more flexible and create melodies. Flexible as in muscles, stretching, etc.
Anyway, I’m in need of a couple other things: A job, and independence.
I need independence in my music. I wish I didn’t need anyone else to make a demo, but for now, I do. I think I can rely on him, but I guess I won’t really know until what has yet to begin is done. Honestly, if I wasn’t so eager, I wouldn’t care. I’m going to make this happen if it kills me. It hurts me too much not to sing.
I also realized something else: When I’m singing, I feel more fulfilled than ever. I feel alive. Maybe that’s why I’d been so quiet and more shy-like before, because I was maturing, but I didn’t know it. I think I might just slowly become a quieter person……except for when I sing. It seems that I get louder and louder.
You’d think from a blog entry like this that I’d feel excited and free, but I actually don’t. I feel anxious, and there’s a constant unsettling feeling. I feel uneasy and impatient. I think I’ll feel that way until my audience consists of more than my mom, dad and Ben.
To be continued… With love,
Gabrielle <3
